Hey there.

It’s been a busy few weeks. Having a kitten around definitely adds an element of fun chaos to everything.

My parents took Gracie to Disney World last week, and Tom and I drove up on two different days to spend some time with them at the parks. It was supposed to be a big family vacation, but after several delays (illness, Delilah’s passing, etc.) Tom and I canceled our end of things and my parents happily took Gracie. We managed to make day trips up there on Friday (to go to Epcot) and Tuesday (Magic Kingdom).

Day trips to Disney are sort of a beast- it’s a four hour car ride each way, and while the morning trip isn’t so bad, coming home at night is a little rough. But we listen to audiobooks and comedy on the trip, and we don’t stop often (Tom and I are both “let’s just get there!”) so it goes by quickly. And it’s always really great to pull into our driveway and take a shower in our bathrooms and go to sleep in our bed on that day, so in the end the trip is worth it. I’m not a big fan of overnighting it in hotels unless I’m on vacation (hotel bathrooms really SQUICK me out) so I’d rather make the drive home than crash in a hotel for one night. I like a long, hot shower after a day at Disney. And nothing is better than doing that in my shower.

Anyway, all that driving and park-going is exhausting. But I’m glad Gracie and my parents got a wonderful vacation together, I’m very glad we got to spend time with them at Disney, and I’m also very glad it’s behind us because for some reason I have been associating this trip with the season of spring, and I’m definitely ready to move on to the next season of my life. It hasn’t been a fun few months. Now I kinda feel like my time is my own again.

Life slows down a lot in summer. A majority of the people on this little island where I live go back north. The weather is crummy (rainy and incredibly hot and humid all the time) so it’s almost as if its winter down here- a lot of quiet, dark afternoons inside. But for some reason I’m okay with going into it right now. I’m really wanting to spend some time in restoration mode, if that makes any sense.

I feel really bone-tired. I usually pride myself that I’m pro-active enough with my Spina Bifida that I can sort of prevent a lot of muscle and joint pain, but these past few months my neck and shoulders and spine ache almost constantly. I’m almost 100% certain it’s stress. Sometimes it feels like holding my head up is a lot of work. This is all new for me, so I want to figure out what’s going on and head it off at the pass.

I really think I just need just a few months to unwind, catch my breath, figure out what’s next. I’m kind of caught between this desire to make a “plan” of sorts and set a personal goal for summer, and to just take it day by day. Of course, the “day by day” thing seems to be the most reasonable, but I know from past experience that I’m *much* happier when I’m working on a project, moving towards a goal.

The problem is that once I reach that goal, I start feeling lost and aimless again. So I’m wondering if maybe I shouldn’t just figure out how to make down time work for me, how to just do with the flow. Oh… I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t really matter. All I know is that I want to experience some happiness and peace this summer, to relax, maybe even have fun.

So far all I really know is that I want to see a bunch of summer movies, read some good books, make some art (but not in a “I really should be making art” mindset, but in a “I really WANT to make some art” mindset, which I think will be a monumental challenge in itself!), catch up on sleep, spend time with my family, crochet, garden, write (both blog stuff and fiction), etc. Lots of interesting things to do, but no anxiety to do them. I don’t even know if that’s possible for me- I’m kind of a high anxiety person. In college I was definitely the person who waited until a few days before a paper was due to start it, but I did so much better in those last few seconds with all that adrenaline coursing through me. I realize now that when you wait until the last minute, you can’t be a perfectionist or agonize over any of the details, you just have to make it happen and hope for the best. The problem is, that doesn’t translate well into everyday life.

I’m still strongly considering going back to school for an MFA. I found the program I’d like to attend, and talked a bit with the admissions people, t’s just a matter of putting together a portfolio and getting my application in (oh… and figuring out how to fund it.) I waver between going back to school “officially”, which I have kind of had the urge to do since I finished school in 1999 (I feel like my time in school is not yet complete) and just taking a bunch of great online art courses (there are several I have my eye on, including the Flora Bowley course) and dedicating myself to those. The problem is that for some reason, whenever I sign up for an online course, I tend to flake on it. It just seems like there’s no rush to do it, and it’s better if I wait until I “have more time”, and of course, I never “have more time” so I never sit down and commit myself to it. Official school will NOT be like that. I will be on a deadline, and working on an academic schedule that someone else sets. And I will be held accountable. For some reason, I am not accountable with myself when it comes to art. I still always feel like it’s a great indulgence, in a way. And so it often gets shifted to the “do it when you get everything else done” position in my schedule.

I read this article several years ago and it really made me consider setting a schedule/making a contract with myself regarding art. Especially:

Writing can be a frightening, distressing business, and whatever kind of structure or buffer is available can help a lot. For almost 17 years now, I’ve been faithful to a two-hours-a-day routine, every morning, five or six days a week. I get up, sit down, check e-mail briefly, turn off my e-mail and Internet, look at the time on the computer, write the two-hour marker on a little pad of paper on my desk, and begin. … The rigid time structure, is freeing, and for me, the more I can externalize the ritual, the easier it is to submit to it. It’s all a declaration against the regular dread I used to feel all the time when I wasn’t writing. Once the structure was formalized, the dread diminished dramatically.

The integrity of the system itself is actually more important to me than the daily content, because content will return, and it mostly needs a reliable container in which to put itself. Our preoccupations do not go away, much as we might like them to. – Aimee Bender

Maybe I will try that this summer. Just starting small. One hour a day, maybe even half an hour. Specific days off.

Right now I feel like I’m interested in organizing, preparation. I’m interested in organizing my stuff, my ideas, my life. I’m interested in preparing surfaces and all my supplies. A lot of gesso-ing and making sketchbook and journals and color swatches. A lot of purging stuff, too. I do understand why this appeals to me so much right now- it’s a way I can enforce order into my life since I have spent a majority of the last few weeks feeling like things were unraveling.

I’ll be honest- I’m still reeling from Delilah’s passing. I guess that sounds dramatic, but it is what it is, and I’m just not going to tamp it down because it’s been a month and I should just get over it. I’m better than I was, and that matters. I won’t be at peace with it for a while, and that’s fine.

It’s just that a lot of time time I walk around feeling like the sound of Velcro tearing apart and I’d like to work on that aspect of things. It’s exhausting feeling so shaken and vulnerable all the time. I’m still in the space where I don’t want to make any decisions, and I can’t stand any fussiness. What I mean by that is I can’t stand any drawn-out deliberations on simple things, like what to have for dinner, or what time we should go to the movies, or what ride we should go on next at Disney. For some reason, any delay or discussion on those types of decisions make me very flustered.

That’s probably why I’m resistant to art and creativity- as I have said before, it feels like a lot of creativity is decision making, and I’m just NOT into that at the moment. I have to try and remind myself that I CAN create without having to make decisions, it’s just a matter of letting go and letting it flow as it will. Once I start doing that, it’s so much fun but it always seems like I can’t just sit down with that as my intention. I mean, I have so much emotional baggage with creativity as it is, to just sit down and make art and not have the intention of making useful or meaningful seems like a sin. <— I’m not saying any of this is remotely true, it’s just this feeling I get.

I wonder if this comes from elementary school and art being the “fun” class we got to have for one hour per week? You know what I mean? I guess these days a lot of schools (especially alternative ones) art is as much as part of the curriculum as math or science but way back in the 1980′s, art was like recess, just not every day. It was fun, it wasn’t “real life”.

I just realized something as I’m writing this: GRACIE very much wants to be an artist when she grows up and I encourage her fully. We talk about it every day. But even though my mouth is telling her that she can BE an artist and she SHOULD be an artist (if that’s what her passion is) and I believe it whole-heartedly, I don’t model my behavior that way. She hears me say she should go for it, and then she watches me tend to laundry and the dishwasher before I’ll even consider sitting down and making something. I just realized this. Maybe if I can’t do it for myself, I can do it to encourage her. Maybe that will be enough for me to let go of the resistance.

BUT, I also wonder if I just make it official that I am taking time off from it, maybe I’ll just find my way back. That always happens for me. It’s so weird that creativity/art is my passion and I think about it constantly and read about it constantly and crave it constantly but then have a hard time making it happen when it comes down to actually doing it.

I think the problem is I overthink it. This post is evidence. I just need to let it happen as it will and go along for the ride. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I think my “project” for the summer will be participating in my creativity rather than trying to micro-manage it. How that will go, I have no idea. But hey, at least I have the *idea* out there now.

Okay, off to have a late lunch and get out of my studio for a bit. It’s very very dark in here in the afternoons. I’m thinking about getting some sort of little folding table for the sunroom (which is super bright in the afternoon and evening) and bringing some of my supplies out there. Maybe keep it simple and see what happens…

<3 Thank you, as always, for reading all my blathering!

“So open wide your wounded heart
Feel yourself be blown apart
Open wide your wounded heart
It’s a funny place to start

But in the light of the sun
We are found we are undone
In the light of the sun
We are all one

All the seeds beneath the snow
Start to grow start to grow
All the seeds beneath the snow
Say hello
say hello.”

- Wailin’ Jennys

I had all sorts of ideas for this post and now I can’t remember any of them.

First, thank you for the love and support and concern following Delilah’s passing. I know not everyone feels as strongly about animals and their pets, but I spent 16 years with her (my entire “grown up” life) and learning how to live *without* her constant presence will be a process for me. And it’s going to take time.

I’m okay with that, actually. I’m in a bit of a fog, and I’m (mostly) okay with that, too. A lot of things have shifted. Right after it all happened, I felt like everything that didn’t really matter fell away and what did matter (family, love, being in the moment) was all I wanted to deal with. I’m still feeling like that- I just want to do simple daily routine stuff (gardening, swimming, a bit of writing, household stuff, watching movies, crocheting, etc.). I don’t want to make any big decisions. I re-organized my art studio but I’m not all that interested in agonizing over creativity at the moment. I’m wanting to be quiet and keep to myself (and immediate family).

In gardening, if you have really struggling plant, sometimes the best thing to do is cut it right down to its stem. Just leave a little tiny bit of the original stem above the soil, and let it be. If there’s green inside the stem, it’s a sign that the plant is still very much alive and will grow back. It just takes time- the stem will sit there, sticking up in the dirt for days or even weeks with nothing at all going on, looking completely dead, and then one day you’ll go out to the garden and there’s a tiny shoot of green on that stem, so tiny you wouldn’t even notice it if you hadn’t been scanning the stem every day for a sign of *anything*. And every day after, there will be a little bit more green until there are leaves, and then branches, and then blossoms.

Often the plant grows back better than it was before it was cut.

I’m sure there’s a technical term for cutting a plant back for regrowth, but I kind of think of it as the plant taking the time to “catch its breath”. That’s what I call it, anyway. Whenever I do that with a plant, I put it in a sunny spot and give it lots of water and just give it the time and space to do its thing and hope for the very best.

I kind of feel like that’s what I’m doing- catching my breath. And every day I’ll see or experience something beautiful and magical and awe-inspiring- a deep blue sky, a red cardinal outside the window, the perfect sound of chimes blowing in the breeze, Gracie smiling, Tom laughing at something I have said, a tiny kitten named Milo (more on that below…) running across the floor with a giant ball of paper in his mouth, that blissful feeling before I fall asleep- and I’ll think “it’s going to be okay.”

Those little moments are kind of like the tiny shoots of green on a plant that is in the process of regrowing.

I think I just need more time to catch my breath. I’m just really struggling with allowing myself the time and space to do it. I feel like I should sort of “buck up” and get over this already, but all in all it’s been a challenging few months (everything from health stuff to Delilah’s passing) and maybe I do need some time to just let myself recover.

I just don’t exactly know what to *do* with myself. I feel aimless and ungrounded but there’s very little that draws me in. I’ve done a few little bits of art, but anything that requires any sort of decision making (which is sort of what being creative is, in a way…) repels me and I turn away. So I’m just playing with color and pattern. I made a simple journal to mess around in. I’m exploring the idea of going back to school for my MFA, which would allow me to be creative but also give me some focus and direction. I’m thinking about writing fiction again, just for the fun of it.

As far as blogging, I’m writing at Bliss Habits and Sprout and that seems like plenty. I do miss writing here, especially Common Miracles (the gratitude practice DEFINITELY has become a life-saver these past few weeks), but I don’t miss the “scheduled creative posts” I have been doing the last few months (prints and paintings on Tuesdays, one little word on Wednesdays, art journal pages on Fridays, crochet on the weekends, etc.) and I don’t think that I will continue them.

I think I’ll just post when I feel like I have something to share, whether it’s thoughts or art or both. I’m just going to trust that people who care about me will still care about me even if there’s not an image attached to everything I post here. I’ll probably return to a more “traditional” style of online journaling, because I really do miss that. I feel like the last few years I have been trying to please an audience, in a way, and not “scare anyone off” with long posts because it’s not cool anymore.

The truth is, the longer posts about life in general is more who I really am. I may be quiet in real life, but I spend a lot of time thinking about a lot of different things. I’d like the space to share that. It may not be as fun as pictures of artwork, but I’m exhausted by the effort to fit in with the “good blogger society”. I just want to go back to being myself here on this site and not worry too much about what will attract the most people to stop by and take an interest.

And one last thing to share: the day after Delilah passed, we went to the cat shelter. We’ve been volunteering there for a long time (maybe nine or ten years, now?) and it’s a good place to go when you need a little comfort because the cats there are so happy to see you (especially the resident cats) and there’s a lot of love.

Anyway, I walked into one of the little kitten areas and this tiny kitten just dashed across the room (so fast and hard that his little name collar fell right off) and climbed right up my leg and into my lap, stared deep into my eyes, and then put his paws on my face like he was trying to hug me. he curled into my lap and purred and sat with me for about an hour.

And the next time I went, a few days later, he did it again. And then the next day. And the day after. Every time I showed up, he would stop what he was doing and just come right to me. It’s like he knew I needed a friend, and he was so happy to volunteer himself for the job.

About a week ago, we decided that the little kitten needed to be an official member of our family, so we adopted him and brought him home. His name is Milo. He’s incredibly cheerful and active. I have to admit that I am more of an adult cat kinda person (they are less likely to be adopted, and there’s just something about older cats that tugs at my heartstrings) but Milo sort of picked me out (and he liked Tom and Gracie equally as much), so who am I to say no to that face?

The best part? How the other cats have reacted to Milo. We have two other cats- Chester and Ginger. Chester was in a bad place after Delilah passed. The two of them were best friends and have been together for nine years, so he was pretty miserable when she never came back home. He started hiding and not eating and even getting sick. Chester was really abused before we adopted him, so it’s taken a long time for him to come out of his shell, and he started going right back into it.

I didn’t know what Chester might do with a kitten (he’s not always been nice to Ginger) so we were a little concerned. But Milo marched right up to Chester and within a few hours, they were playing like old friends. It’s only been a little over a week, and already they are sleeping together and seeking each other out all the time so that was a happy surprise.

Ginger is not 100% sure of Milo yet, but she’s cooled off with the hissing. She just doesn’t like it when Milo tries to get under her to see if there is any chance she’ll nurse him. Before we adopted her from the shelter, she was actually the shelter mama, nursing quite a few groups of mom-less kittens that came through, so I guess she’s pretty much done with that. She’s happy to just do her own thing.

We’re all settling in. I forgot what life is like with a tiny kitten underfoot. Lots of pouncing in the middle of the night and bits of toys on the floor (Milo LOVES rolled up bits of paper and will go into the recycling bin to fish them out) and finding ways INSIDE the armchair and paws stuck in drinking glasses, etc. But it’s life, and we needed some of that.

Thank you, as always, for reading. Hope you are doing okay.

Oh, and here’s the Wailin’ Jennys song (All The Stars) that inspired the art above and where the quote from this post came from- it’s a beautiful song and it definitely has resonated with me tremendously these past few weeks:

Our beloved cat Delilah passed away unexpectedly on Tuesday morning.

We are devastated, to say the least.

Even though she was never much of an eater, Delilah’s appetite had been declining bit by bit for some time. After numerous tests over numerous months, and nothing coming back, all we could do was assume that it was her temperment and age (16)  more than anything. But this past weekend her appetite dwindled to nothing, so on Monday we took her back in to our vet for another round of bloodwork and xrays and diagnostics.

The vet found a pleural effusion in her chest. That was not good news, but until they had the results of the sample they took of that liquid trapped in her chest, there wasn’t much we could do about it. So we took Delilah home for the night, managed to feed her several syringes of formula and got her to drink water and use the litterbox. We woke up in the middle of the night for a feeding and drink and she seemed to do fine. She slept in her little bed next to our big bed and seemed to be resting just fine.

In the morning, Delilah was breathing very heavily. We called our vet and he told us to take her straight to the emergency clinic for oxygen. On the way there, she had a seizure. As we pulled into the parking lot of the clinic, Delilah took her last breath. We ran her inside, but the staff at the clinic weren’t able to revive her. We were just devastated. Shocked.

I mean, when we heard that she had a pleural effusion, we knew it wasn’t good, but Tom and I both believed that it was the *start* of a difficult time… we didn’t suspect that within just a few hours, it would be the end of our lives with this beautiful, sweet cat who has given us so much.

To say we are shocked and devastated is a tremendous understatement. I know not everyone feels like their pets are part of their family, but we really feel as if we lost *so* much. And we were so unprepared- we knew there were difficult decisions ahead, but we weren’t ready to say goodbye, not like that.

Anyway, it’s been a few days. I’m still in shock. I’m terribly, terribly heartbroken and I miss her like crazy.

But throughout this whole thing there have been things I have been grateful for:

- having a family to go through this with. Having people who loved Delilah as much as I did, who feel her loss just as much as I do… it makes a huge difference. HUGE. We are going to get through this *together*. We will share the love for her forever.

- the love and support of family and friends, near and far, close and distant. So much love and support. Having that outpouring of love meant so much to us. I haven’t been online much but it was so amazing to check in once a day and see the comments and emails and messages of love and support coming our way. Thank you for caring about us.

- the extreme kindness of the staff of both vet clinics. Our local vet, who has seen Delilah through some serious health battles and always has time for us and our questions and concerns, were there for us every step of the way. The staff at the emergency vet clinic, who never met us before,  treated Delilah like she was a long-term patient.In the worst moment possible, they were very kind and compassionate. I don’t know how we could have managed her passing and the news that it was over if the people who cared for her weren’t so kind.

- our pets. It was enormously comforting to come home from the vet clinic and see that there is still life here. We didn’t lose everything in that moment, even though it sometimes feels like we did.

Chester and Ginger, our kitties, meowing and going about their routines. Winnie, the parrot, whistling at us and chattering at us and cuddling into our necks at every opportunity. The tweets of the parrotlets in the mornings, hoping for a lap around the room or some treats. Even the rustling of elderly Jack, our leopard gecko who basically sleeps and makes a rare appearance looking for food.

Just having them around, hearing them, seeing them, feeling them, sharing life with them… it makes things so much more okay. Life is here. We had a tremendous loss, but there is still so much life here that requires our presence. And it gives us reason to get up every day and not lose ourselves in this.

- swimming. The first thing I did when we got home from the vet clinic on Tuesday was just get into the pool- I didn’t know where else to go, honestly. I couldn’t bear to be in the house. Gracie was sad so Tom played Wii with her and I just went into the pool.

I needed to feel submerged and wrapped up in something strong and I needed to get all my anger and sadness out in some way. I cried and howled as I swam, but it helped me so much. It’s difficult, because when a thought arises when I’m in the water, there’s nowhere to turn or no way to distract myself from it. But the flip side of that is that I have to really work the thoughts and ideas and emotions that come up to their logical conclusions. And forcing myself to confront the difficulty of this horrible experience was something I needed to do or else I would just pack it away forever.

- moments of peace. I never thought that I would find moments of peace in the midst of something like this, but there are these times when it’s okay. Not good, but not crushing and overwhelming. Just okay. And I will take “okay” in any way, shape, or form right now.

I take this online  class called “Awakening Joy” and there’s a unit on difficult times that we just finished. One of the main lessons of that whole chapter/class is that in times of extreme sorrow and sadness, it’s okay (and even necessary) to find the good. It’s okay to just be okay. It doesn’t mean there’s not incredible sadness or loss, or that we’re not experiencing grief in the “right” way, it just means that sorrow (and joy) comes in waves and you have to ride them.

So I have noticed the little things- the sunshine and how much better it makes me feel.  The little lizards that peek out at me as I swim (it really feels as if they are keeping me company). The tomatoes turning red on the vine. The new rose buds. The softness of my blanket. The relief of sleep and the intensity of waking up. Just making it from moment to moment. Just letting it all register exactly as it comes.

- the cat shelter. Our own cats were getting a little freaked out by how much attention we were paying to them, so we decided to go and see the cats at the cat shelter we volunteer at. It was actually a very comforting experience. We were able to get away from our grief and cuddle a bunch of cats and sort of share the overabundance of emotion with them and they gobbled it up and returned the love. It was so healing.

- a clear perspective. Out of everything that happened this week, this is the thing that really hit me:
there are very few things in life that *really* matter. And the things that do matter are really basic and simple. For me, it’s just love, family, happiness. Being with my family. Sharing life. Getting through the moments. Spending time with the people I love. Giving love to those I share my life with, near and far. That’s really all that counts.

When something like this happens, the nonsense just falls away. All the stuff I thought was important to me just days before this happened- all the stuff I have been agonizing over for months (social stuff and blog stuff and work stuff and “is it enough?” stuff ) instantly became a non-issue for me.

All that matters is being with my family, getting to the next moment, loving the hell out of the people I care about, and finding some sense of happiness. *That* is what’s meaningful, at least to me. And I plan to remember that and LIVE by it. I don’t even know what that means, but I don’t want this lesson to be lost on me.

I love you, Delilah. You’ll always live on in my heart and soul and in my *life*. Thank you for blessing me with 16 years of love and goodness. I can’t thank you enough. <3

And to you guys out there- thank you for sharing her life with me. <3

“Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world.” – Pema Chodron

The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about routines and schedules and how I can “tweak” mine to make things a little less stressful.

Every morning I wake up and try to be mindful and try to slide into a different approach to handling the start of the day. And every day something unexpected has been popping up that throws me off my game and sets me back into “scramble” mode.

A few mornings ago, I was multi-tasking, hurrying from the bedroom to the laundry room and thinking, the same thought: “tomorrow I’m going to do this better.”

But then I realized-  I didn’t have to *wait* until tomorrow.

I could start *right* that moment. I could decide right there, right then, that as of THAT moment, things wouldn’t be hectic. Mornings would not be chaos. That very moment could be the starting point for something new. I didn’t have to wait until the next morning, or the next week, or a fresh month or new year to make steps to change things, I could just do it right away. No waiting necessary.

I know this is very basic knowledge to most people but it seemed like *such* a huge thing at that moment- almost a kind of tremendous relief. It reminded me that while things happen that are outside of my control, I still can control how I process and react to those things (well… for the most part.)

I can also control (again… for the most part) how much stuff I am allowing myself to take in at any point in the day. Meaning, if I feel overwhelmed and over-stressed, then I can choose not to open myself to more stuff. I can choose not to answer the phone or emails or the be available to the extraneous stuff of life until I’m feeling ready to plug back into the world.

Any time is a perfect time to start fresh. Any moment can be the moment when things turn around, when I mark the changing point in my habits, my routines, my philosophies, my beliefs, new passions, new approaches… whatever it is, any time can be the time it all starts.

For example: when I was 15 years old, I made the decision to become a vegetarian. I can’t remember the exact time I made the decision or the first meal in which I ate no meat, but the important thing about it was that I *stuck* to the decision, and here I am, 24 years later, still a vegetarian.

I didn’t wait until a new week or month or new year to start that approach to life, I just started when the decision was made and it altered the course of my life.

Same with swimming. I have been swimming on a daily basis for almost twenty years. I just decided one day I wanted to swim. And so I went swimming. I went back the next day. And the day after that. It wasn’t a “I’ll start when the week is fresh” or “I think I’m going to become a swimmer” decision, it was deciding I wanted to swim and then going back and doing it again. It started the day I got into the pool and continued the next day when I did it again.

I only mention these because whenever I’m wondering if it’s possible for me to make a positive change in life, I remember that I’ve done it before, many times. And it wasn’t just about intention (although that’s a powerful thing), it was just about *doing* it. Making it happen.Following through. Deciding that *right then* was the perfect time to start and then just starting. Claiming it.

So I’m very grateful for this realization: any time or place is the perfect time or place to start fresh. Today can be the very day when my morning routine goes from hectic to meaningful. Right now can be the start of something good. No waiting necessary.

Common Miracles is a project I started in May, 2011 to examine and discover how gratitude works in everyday life.

zinnia ghost (ink & dye on paper)

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

[en]JOY : week fourteen

What is this? My one little word for 2013 is “enjoy”. Because I *really* want to keep the concept of “enjoy” front-and-center, I decided to keep weekly “notes” about the process. Some weeks there will be a lot, some weeks there won’t be much- the ebbs and flows of life. But knowing that I will sit down once a week and record my progress is a good motivation to keep working at it.

In the last week:

This week I realized that no matter how many times I become aware of something “off” in my life and take positive steps to get myself on a better track, I keep falling back into old habits. I know I have said this before, but it’s becoming very clear that happiness is not a state of *being* but a state of *becoming*. And it’s always going to be the case.

One example of this is: morning. Mornings are a little crazy around here. The minute I get up, I start feeling like the clock is ticking and I’m racing against it. There’s no easy trasnition into the day, it’s get out of bed, hit the deck running.

On one hand, this is actually okay because I have *a lot* of anxious energy right after I wake up, so it’s a good time to get stuff done, dash from room to room as the energy bubbles up and overflows and take care of what needs attention- laundry, pet stuff, dashing off an email, writing a review, meeting a deadline. Even though it’s chaotic, I usually can get a lot done in the morning and it gives me flexibility to take it easier in the afternoon if I’m feeling exhausted from my swim or something is going on health-wise.

On the other hand, I hate hate hate the “morning feeling”, that sense of displaced stress and pressure. I don’t want to multi-task as much. I don’t want to get out of bed feeling swamped by all that needs to be done. I don’t want to start the day with so much junky pent-up anxiety flowing.

Instead, I want to start the day with at least a small sense of tranquility. A sense that I am on the right path and in control of the day, not feeling like I am maniacally and desperately trying to keep twenty balls in the air.

So I’m caught between the two. Embrace the chaos and just realize that “tranquil” is not going to happen? Or really work on transforming the morning routine? Or do I find middle ground? I don’t know. And there’s a lot of other areas of life that I feel the same way about- caught between what’s possible and what I feel might be ideal.

On the positive side, I think it’s a good thing I’m recognizing this stuff. It means I am becoming more aware of what’s enjoyable and what’s not. The thing is, every time I think I’ve discovered something pretty major, it makes me realize that there are A LOT of little adjustments to be made in order to get myself to where I want to be, well-being wise. And it’s not just about emotional health, it’s also about physical health, the health of my family, etc.

I think I would like to find more peace in the day. And not feel as if I have to really work hard to jam it in there. I don’t know what I need to do to make that happen but it’s in my awareness.

I honestly think that I’m going to have to really work on convincing myself that peace and quiet and relaxing and taking a breather every so often does NOT mean I am actively blowing something off or procrastinating, it means I am actively seeking balance. Sometimes sitting and doing nothing IS doing something. In fact, it’s doing A LOT of something.

But being busy and being productive is so hard-wired into me, I think it’s going to take more than just realizing that it’s an issue to make any progress.

It’s funny how so much of this “enjoy” process is about giving myself simple permission to let go of all these old beliefs about time and life and then *honoring* those simple permissions to let go. I had no idea how many little built-in issues I had with so many things.

I guess it’s all one step at a time. One moment at a time, one realization at a time.

“…the true secret of happiness lies in the taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life…”
-William Morris

(And I haven’t forgotten the Will Bowen book- I’m still reading it, but instead of trying to conquer a chapter a week, I’m taking my time working through it properly- more on that next week.)

More ink and dye painting, this time with a Crafter’s Workshop stencil.

As far as the process- it all started from making beads. I roll beads from clay, shape them, fire them, and then I paint and dye them to get different colors and effects.  These are some of the beads I made last year- you can kind of see the similarities between these and the “ink and dye” paintings.

some beads I made about a year ago…

When I started making beads, I hated the colors that the clay came in so I started trying to figure out a way to color the clay AFTER the beads were fired. I kept thinking about dyeing Easter eggs and trying to figure out a way to do that with beads. I tried putting watercolor into water and dipping beads in it, but it didn’t work. The clay I use is non-porous, so anything I first tried to dye the beads would bead up and roll off the surface. I tried acrylic paints but they were too textured and opaque.

I was determined to figure it out, so I started trying pretty much anything and everything that might stick to the beads but not degrade the clay. Over the last ten or so years, I have experimented with a ton of different solvent inks, liquid fabric dyes, concentrated liquid watercolors, permanent paints, india inks, alcohol inks, etc.

As you can imagine, I have amassed a good collection of different inks and colors that WILL stick to clay over the years- these are mostly solvent inks (think Stayz-On), concentrated liquid watercolors, and things like Adirondack inks. Every so often I’ll try working with the colors on paper because the colors are crazy vibrant, but I never got anything close to what I get with the beads so I always gave up and stuck to my watercolors.

A few weeks ago, I decided to try painting with the inks again – this time on more types of paper (watercolor paper, paper sealed with a layer of gesso, paper sealed with gloss gel medium, glossy pamphlet paper, vellum from the craft store, photo paper, marker paper, etc.). That’s what these little “paintings” are, experiments with ink and dye on different kinds of paper.

There isn’t any texture to these paintings- they are completely smooth and flat.

For the record: right now I think quick-dry photo paper works the best, but I’m still experimenting. I apply the inks with a sponge or a square of felt. I sometimes use a stencil or mask or template, and sometimes I don’t.

These will end up in my art journal somewhere, so right now they are sort of mini-pages…

I’ll be honest- it took me a long time and MANY beads before I got the hang of it. My first painted beads looked like someone spilled an ink well on them. *shudder* Very dark and blotchy and thick and not translucent at all. I guess it’s like learning how to work with any medium- it took time and a lot of experimenting to get the effect I was hoping for.

Okay. I hope this helps to answer some questions. It really is just inks and dyes on paper If I figure anything else out, I’ll keep you posted.

Thank you, as always, for looking!

“Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world.” – Pema Chodron

It’s week ONE HUNDRED of me doing this project. That’s almost two years.

One one hand, I’m, like, “so what?”

But on the other hand, I started this project having a HUGE resistance to the idea of gratitude. It was always presented to me as more of an obligation than something to discover. What I mean by that is that I always thought of gratitude as something you were obligated to do in order to prevent bad stuff from piling on, in a sort of “you *should* be grateful it’s not worse” kinda way.

Now I see gratitude as discovery, as a chance to open myself and really see and feel the world around me in a new way, every single day.

So it’s a pretty big shift, all things considered. And I do experience gratitude regularly now. And I enjoy keeping it in foreground of my life, always open to it.

So, onward:

What’s good right now:

- I’m feeling incredibly relieved that my dentist appointment happened. I was really stressed about it, and I’m still sort of buzzing over the relief of it being behind me.

- We’re going on an adventure later this spring and even though I have anxiety about getting all the details in order, I’m starting to feel myself get giddy and excited (in a child-like way, which is good!) about it. I really want it to be fun, relaxing, interesting, and be in the moment. I need to remember to slow down and just enjoy myself rather than trying to jam a million things into one experience. (And if our beloved house sitter can confirm, I’d feel infinitely better… she just called and confirmed so *total* relief!)

- The weather was brutal on Friday, but since then it’s been beautiful and cool and all blue skies. Love having the windows and doors flung open, and having the breeze make the chimes sing and flow through the house. One of our cats, Chester, GALLOPS through the house full speed when it’s breezy out- he flies out one door and runs across the length of the lanai, leaps into another door, runs across the house, and then does it over and over again. It’s funny to hear and watch- it feels very joyful.

- I shifted my schedule around a bit and even though it means more of a crunch in the mornings, it gives me a little more flexibility in the afternoons (especially right after I get out of the pool), which seems to be working for me. I’m meditating at night, which is kinda interesting. It’s becoming less about “when can I get up and have my tea?” to “let’s just unwind and untangle for a bit and see what comes up.”

- I’m kinda enjoying “staycation” weekends. Usually we try and get out a lot during the weekends- go to the movies, run errands in town (which is an hour away), etc. But Tom and my dad are working on a project together and I’m not chomping at the bit to see anything at the movies or run a zillion errands, so we’re hanging out here, spending a lot of time outside (in the pool, gardening, just hanging out), I’m in my studio, I’m reading a lot and hanging out in the sunroom at night. It feels like I’m being a bit of a shut-in, but the truth is I don’t mind terribly. There’s plenty to do.

- Realizing that things I have been putting off for months are easily accomplished is a very nice surprise!

- I know I mentioned the weather already, but it’s worth mentioning again: I LOVE sunshine and blue skies. I am a little concerned about the coming summer (very stormy and dark season for us down here in SW Florida) but I am determined to FIND pockets of time when the weather is okay and spend those outside. I’m starting to think I need to be getting into the pool early mornings during summer, so I don’t have to track the weather all day to find a time when I can get in the pool and not have to worry about the lightning, which is pretty much a constant in summer.

- Color makes me so happy. So does tea. And spring.

- Our gardenia bushes are flowering and Tom brings me in the flowers from them, and it makes the house smell *so* beautiful.

- Although fall is my favorite season, spring is a close second. Blue skies, FLOWERS, all the birds around outside, the lizards that live in my garden and that come out when I garden. I feel very priveledged that they trust me enough not to scatter. And yesterday, when I was gardening, one of the cardinals that live on our property popped out of a hedge and landed on the ground right in front of me, chirped at me for a little bit, and then tended to his feathers. I felt very flattered to witness that.

Common Miracles is a project I started in May, 2011 to examine and discover how gratitude works in everyday life.

I figured I haven’t posted much about my jewelry in a while so I’d share a few photos of some beads and bracelets I recently made. These are over at Etsy.

I’m also experimenting with paper beads, made by using all the Washi origami paper I have been collecting for years. A lot of it is hand painted with gold veining, and it’s lovely.

Hope you are having a LOVELY weekend

It’s super dark and rainy today, so taking photos of my art journal was a challenge. I apologize profusely for the blurry, grainy images. I’ll retake them when the light improves, but in the meantime:

Just a simple collage of some Gelly Plate prints and some snippets of the ink/dye paintings I have been working on lately. I was going to stamp a quote on top, but then I thought I might just leave it, and get used to having just pages with “play” on it. Not every page in the journal has to have a message, you know?

Odds and ends from around here these past few days…

Seeds packets from the garden, a paper flower, a little label from some art supplies, our Wii Family Portrait (we’ve rediscovered Brain Age, which is great fun!). The background is a collage of some of my Gelly Plate prints on top of some October Afternoon paper with a bunch of different washi tape holding it all together. . I’m really enjoying making these little cut-and-paste collages of my backgrounds and the patterned paper I *really* love and have been collecting.

The other side of the page- a photo of Gracie napping, a photo of the ink & dye stuff I have been doing, a receipt from the dentist office, some packaging from a new stencil, a photo of Delilah napping, some teacup stickers, etc.

This is actually tissue paper from a pair of shoes, spritzed with some Dylusions inks and a little watercolor paint and then stamped with acrylic paint on top. The stamp is actually something my husband made me- he took my circle/cell drawings and tried making a stamp from one of them. I never really used it before, and I kinda like it. Here’s a closeup:

On the facing page, I just took a sheet of vellum and journaled on it with my favorite pencil:

I discovered that I generally hate writing out journaling. It feels very forced to me. I have no problem doing it on a computer, but when I sit down with pencil in hand… it just feels like someone else is moving my hand. So I wrote this long thing about how I was going to try my best to write the way it *wants* to come out, whether it’s lists, phrases, random words, quotes, etc. instead of trying so hard to “document the story”. There are other ways to do that than writing it all out, at least for me. Maybe I’ll write more often in my journal if I don’t feel so weirdly obligated to capture all the details so that someone reading will get what I am trying to express.

And on the flip side of the vellum journal page:

I wanted to try making pinwheels with my scalloped square punch and some of my double sided paper. It was fun. I taped down some washi, painted over it a bit with my fingers, and stuck the pinwheels in a grid over it. Just playing, in honor of spring.

While I was making the pinwheels, I was watching the latest Awakening Joy class, and something that James Baraz (the teacher guy) said struck me: SMIDGENS COUNT.

A woman in the audience was asking him about dealing with difficult situations and people, and she said that sometimes when she was in the midst of a negative situation and trying to be kind, all she could manage was to eek out just a “smidgen” of compassion. Then James said “yeah, but smidgens count!” I loved that idea! It’s so true. It all counts. It’s all moves us forward, even if it’s just a tiny bit, whether it’s energy or love or focus or work or creativity- just a little bit counts. Just keep doing as much as you can.

Anyway, I was moved and wanted to remember not only what he said but also the moment itself, so I grabbed some letter stickers and stuck that on there, so I would remember.

Oh, and here’s a photo of my journal/binder from the side. I like this binder system VERY much for journaling. I can’t imagine going back to a bound book after this, but who knows?

Anyway, I apologize again for the blurry and grainy photos. I either have to use my real camera or just let myself get a scanner that was manufactured in the 21st century.

Thank you, as always, for looking. Have a lovely weekend! <3
 

topography – ink & dye on paper

“Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that, but simply growth.
We are happy when we are growing.”

-William Butler Yeats

I have to admit, writing that post about creativity and community last week was very cathartic for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I have a LOT of “work” ahead of me. And sticking to the goal of “letting go creatively” has already proved to be a bit of a challenge. I find myself falling into old habits and patterns of thinking almost constantly, and just being aware of them requires a lot of energy. Let’s be honest- trying to shift long-held (but incorrect) beliefs I’ve held about creativity/productivity/what’s a “useful” way to spend time, etc. has been kinda crazy.

But I really really want to make this work. I want to find the joy and the sort of “sacred” nature of creativity again.

I want to feel passionate and engaged in what I am doing.

I want to tap into something that’s deep inside of me, instead of feeling as if I have to constantly “check myself” to make sure that some element of my work is accessible to others.

This week I felt the need to play with one of my favorite mediums-  my collection of inks and dyes, the stuff I use to dye polymer clay. It’s basically different kinds of permanent inks and fabric dyes and things like like mixed together. After so many years of working with dyes and inks and getting them to work with polymer clay, sitting down and just playing with them on paper was like coming home, in a way.   And it was *so* amazing for me. I know how to mix the colors I want, I know the exact nature of the dyes and I also know I have a very very short “open” time with them (they dry almost instantly) so I can’t dither and be indecisive. I just have to go with my gut and see what happens.There was a bit of a learning curve with the paper since it is porous (polymer clay is only a BIT porous so the color sort of sinks in a bit but then can be manipulated) but after I played with it for a while, I got some neat effects and just went with it.

topography – ink & dye on paper

As far as the image I worked on… as I put the inks down on the paper to *if* it might work, it almost looked like a little map was showing up. So i went with it. I let them show me the way. I know that sounds kooky, but that’s how ink works- the colors don’t blend- they sort of crash into one another and create little shapes and you can either mix the colors into one big blob or let the colors interact as they will. It was like playing with a chemistry set or something. I liked just seeing what one splash or brushstroke might do to the rest of the piece (or not).

It felt like playing and discovery. And I want to do more of that. For the past few days, I have been really  EXCITED to come into my studio and sit down and create, which is what I have been missing so much.

And I’m just as happy when I’m done and I look at the final pieces. My critical voice is still there, but I’m able to counter it a bit with joy I felt throughout the entire experience.

I did the inks for a few days and it was still fun, but the shine wore off a bit. It made me realize why it’s so important to be flexible, to keep trying different things. So I took a break and worked in my art journal, wrote, did some stuff around the studio, did a lot of heavy gardening. Now I’m ready to pull the inks out a bit again.

Of course, in the back of my mind, the question is : what about Gingerblue Studios? Am I still interested in jewelry? What about drawing and watercolor and art journals? What about monoprinting?

I’m trying to approach each of these things with a whole heart. Meaning, being totally honest about my interested in those areas from moment to moment.

The answer is that the art journal is essential- it’s actually something I feel is a regular part of my life. But I think that as my creative interests sort of ebb and flow around other things, I’m going to let myself be okay with sometimes just JOURNALING in my journal (meaning simply writing down thoughts and ideas on paper and adding it in). Some weeks it might be a bit slim, some weeks full. That’s how it goes with that.

GBS… I feel an interest in listing some new jewelry pieces I have ready, as well as updating the Etsy site and website. I feel a little different in my overall philosophy with it, though. In the past, it’s been a goal of mine to make it really viable and attract people to what I make. I was never interested in making it a “brand” or whatever, I just wanted to be able to get my creations out into the world, have there be interest in there, and receive enough to pay for more supplies and some donations to charity.

I’ll be honest- I get caught up in the Etsy “frenzy” more often than I would like. meaning, I go to Etsy and I see these AMAZING photographs of AMAZING things that AMAZING artists are making and selling AMAZING amounts of (you get my picture?!) and the AMAZING response and enthusiasm to their work and I think “oh crap, I need to get my act together!” And then I shift into that mode, which has NOTHING to do with me or what I make.

So what IS my philosophy, then? My friend Tracy recently closed her Etsy shop and launched a personal gallery shop with just a few things in it, and I LOVED her approach. It seems almost revolutionary! It feels like her first focus is her art and creative journey, and when she has items that she’s created that she’s ready to send out into the world, she lists them. It’s not like she’s trying to create inventory or move merchandise at all. She’s kind of saying “this is my work, and if you like it, I’d love to share it with you.”

That was so refreshing to me. I kinda want to do the same. Do what I do, whether it’s beads or watercolor or collage or prints, etc. and then list a few things on Etsy in a non-”oh crap I need inventory” kinda way, and then just let it go and move on to the next thing.

As far as other mediums- watercolor, illustration, monoprints… like I said, I think that I want to just create things as they appeal to me and not worry too much about diversifying. I do know enough about myself that I can get stuck in ruts easily, meaning that I will go to a relied and comfortable form of creativity rather than be uncomfortable and try something new. So I want to keep aware of that- I want to be happy, but not complacent.

As far as monoprinting, I’m very interested to keep experimenting with the Gelli Plate and different mediums, but I want to focus. Meaning- work on a single print (or maybe two) at a time, build on them, and that’s just fine. There’s a tendency for me with the Gelli Plate to want to do 500 colors and 500 patterns and “wow, it’s all out and the paints are out and just go for it!” But I gotta stop that. It’s not a factory, it a tool for making art. I would never stamp the same image on 500 sheets of paper just because the stamp was inked up and out, you know?

So maybe less is more. Less stress, less concern about reaching as many people as possible, less “handmade nation superstar”, less concern about inventory, less expectation.

More joy, more exploration, more mixing favorite things in simple ways, more going back to my “roots”, more “here’s what I felt like making this week and if you like it, I’m sharing it with you.”

topography – ink & dye on paper

This past week I broke out some of my most favorite supplies- the dye/ink blends I have combined over the years to make beads – and tried them on paper, just for the heck of it. It was FUN. I also used one of my favorite stencils from Artist Cellar- Star Coral.

Here are some of the results:

And here are some detail shots:

Thanks, always, for looking! <3

“Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world.” – Pema Chodron

 

Rewind a bit: After I graduated Emory, I went home to NY to spend the summer with my family before I returned to Atlanta to start graduate school. I had a little bird named Sam, and he had been with me throughout college and was pretty much my little soul mate. Just as I was getting ready to return to school, Sam was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and passed away quickly after.

I was gutted by it- just DEVASTATED. It hit me so hard.

Long story short, I couldn’t *not* go back to school (of course), but the idea of going back without him was almost too much. My parents encouraged me to get another pet, and so we went all over Long Island and looked at all sorts of animals, and at the end of the week, I found myself with a little black kitten which my father named Delilah.

I was a little overwhelmed at all the animals I met that week- all I really wanted was my Sam. Delilah made it easy because she basically chose me- she had already been spoken for, but when we went to see the kittens for adoption at this particular place, she sort of attached herself to me. I was sitting on the floor in the room and all the kittens were just having a circus all over the place, and I felt myself being gently pushed from the side. When I looked down, I saw Delilah- she had basically tucked herself into a tiny loaf right next to my leg and was leaning into me. I looked into her face and she gave me a great, slow blink and that was that.

Delilah was actually a little challenging to get to know. Unlike my bird, Sam, who was friendly and open and approachable from the start, Delilah was intense and inquisitive and spent a lot of time staring at me. A few times I woke up in the middle of the night just to see her eyes staring into mine, her breathing heavily, and it freaked me out a little. I didn’t realize that it was her way of waking me up for snuggling.

However, once we were settled in Atlanta, we bonded fast. EVERY TIME I LEFT the apartment she would sit in the front window (which was also the front window of the building) and just stay there at her post until I came home. If it was dark out and the lights were dim in my apartment, all you would see were two eyes, glowing at that window. It became like a joke in the apartment- people knew if I was in or out based on whether Delilah was stationed at the window (not good for security, but very cute, none-the-less.)

I managed to finish graduate school, Delilah and I moved down  to Florida, and despite all the changes we’ve been through, our bond has remained just as strong. It was just her and me when we started out, and over time many things got added to the mix: a husband, birds, another cat and then another cat, a BABY, a move to our house, etc. but through it all she’s been my constant companion.

Last week Delilah turned sixteen. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long- my entire adult life- but when I really think about it all… yeah. We grew up together, in a way.

So I am infinitely, insanely, and DEEPLY grateful for this little soul who has been my north star through the last 15+ years. She’s absolutely a common miracle.

So, happy sweet sixteen, Delilah. I just hope you know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. (yes, this is a totally sappy post about a cat, but it’s all true, so…)

Common Miracles is a project I started in May, 2011 to examine and discover how gratitude works in everyday life.

Hey, there. Here are a few art journal pages from this week:

These are some photos I took of Gracie during spring break- we were waiting in the car for Tom and she decided to pop out of the sunroof and wave to him.

I used the new Glitz paper for this page- I just felt like layering paper. I have been so inspired by all the Project Life pages I have seen lately. Whenever I journal pure photos, I tend to just want to add a few matching pieces of tapes/strips of paper/stickers, journal, and then call it a day. If I start going overboard with the “art” part I find it competes with the photos and then the whole thing turns into a disaster. I wind up either tearing up the page or removing the photos, etc. so whenever I’ve got mainly photos, I stick to layouts as opposed to composing something.

This is actually a page from my engagement calendar that features Marjolein Bastein’s work and I couldn’t resist pulling it out and including it into my journal to celebrate the *official* start of Spring.

On the back of it is a painting she did of cardinals at the feeder, which was also very appropriate since we have resident cardinals at both our feeder locations and they seem quite friendly, and are *gorgeous* to see.

I printed this quote on a piece of vellum. I didn’t want to mess with stamping it, and I can’t stand my “decorative/title” handwriting (UGH- total disaster), so I printed it out in my current favorite font and punched a few holes in it, put a little washi tape to anchor the holes, and included it in front of a collage/painting I did with a few of my Gelli Plate prints and some acrylic paints and templates/stencils:

I like it better with the vellum on top, but I had a REALLY good time making the collage so I wanted to include it “naked”, as well.

Next two pages are also made from a bunch of the prints I pulled with the Gelli Plate a few weekends ago, plus a receipt from Adagio teas, plus some washi tape, some mailing labels, a receipt from our local garden center/nursery, etc.

Basically it covers the last few weeks.

Pictures of the kitties, a tear sheet from some patterned paper, a bar code and label from the yarn I’m currently crocheting with, a movie poster for Admission…

… a photo of the mini-rose bush Gracie bought for me, a photo of Winnie (our parrot, who is constantly in motion and not easy to take photos of!), a barcode from a book I read, the receipt from my dentist appointment, a tea label, etc.

I think I am going to journal a bit right on the page but I haven’t done that yet.

Finally, a page about a new ritual for Gracie and me:

Since it’s been so chilly lately, instead of going outside to watch the sunset, we started going into the sunroom with our books and hanging out in there in the early evening. I have to admit, I haven’t used the sunroom much at all since we created it (we got rid of the formal dining room and made it into a sunroom/sitting room) because it felt “new” to me. Tom and Gracie are in there all the time, though. So it was lovely to finally spend time in there and carve out my own little space.

One thing I did realize as I put together these pages is that Tom and I NEVER take photos of each other. I HATE having my photo taken, and Tom isn’t crazy about it either, and it feels weird to either ask someone to take a photo of us together when we’re just going to the movies or something, or try and get a decent iPhone photo of us just going about our everyday lives. I guess if I make an effort to take some snapshots of *ourselves*, it will become a habit (like taking endless photos of the cats and Gracie.)

So that’s a goal- even if I look horrible in every photo, and the photos look the same (Tom at his desk, Tom making dinner, Tom in his karate uniform, etc. ) at least there will be evidence of Tom and I in these journals, too!

As far as the cats, I was trying to figure out why I *do* take so many photos of them and I realized it’s because they are who I’m with all day. Tom’s up in his office working, Gracie’s at school, and I usually have my phone with me early in the morning and when I go out into the garden, so if they are around, I snap photos. And they usually are around. I can usually look at any photo of them from any time and tell where it was and *why* it was, so it’s almost like little visual cues to myself.

Thanks for looking and have a great weekend! <3

“begin again” – ink & watercolor

Your work is not to drag the world kicking and screaming into a new awareness. Your job is to simply do your work… sacredly, secretly, and silently… and those with ‘eyes to see and ears to hear’, will respond. -Author Unknown

Since March is almost over (!) I figured it might be good time to sit down and just journal a little about goals and how the year is going. I’m writing this more for me than anyone, but I figured I’d share it just in case it resonates. I’m most likely not going to edit too much, so I apologize in advance if there’s some strange grammar or run-on sentences. 

As i sat down to write this, I realized I have been feeling as if I have been spinning my wheels for a while. I tried to figure it out, but then I realized- one of my main goals (whether I articulated it or not, even to myself) was to find a regular creative practice-  a creative practice in which I am creating art on a regular basis- and I think I can honestly say I have found that. I’m not as indecisive anymore, and not so stuck on perfection.

I also wanted to use more of my supplies and branch out a bit, and I’m doing a lot of that, too. I definitely feel more comfortable using different mediums and tools and trying new things. 

I think the frustration I have been feeling recently is because I branched out *too* much, in a way. Instead of making specific things, I’m just sort of exploring more than I am creating.

I think I get in these periods where I start valuing being prolific rather than being selective. It’s almost like creative multi-tasking, and since multi-tasking is generally an issue for me, I think I need to narrow my focus a little bit. Meaning: instead of pulling ten prints when I use the Gelli plate, i think it’d be better for me to just spend the time working on one or two prints. Or, instead of making a hundred beads, just work on one set, make it into jewelry, and then release it to Etsy.

So what’s the problem with it? Why can’t I just do that if I know it’s what I should do and it’s what I really *want* to do? I’ve been driving myself crazy with that question.

And finally, the answer emerged from that whole “inner critic / business manager” part of me:
by focusing instead of producing, there’s a good chance that I will lose opportunities.

What I mean is, if  I make ten prints, and share all ten here on the blog and on flickr and whatever, then there’s a lot of variety and different things to appeal to a lot of people. Some people may love the color red and be drawn to those, some people like blue better, so there’s something to make them happy, too. There’s a better chance of appealing to a wider variety of people.

However, if just make one print, in colors that I am drawn to at that moment, in a pattern I like at that moment, then there’s not as much *opportunity* to appeal to as many people. Same with beads, and with paintings, and collage- if I make only one, there’s less of a chance that what I make will resonate with a lot of people.

This should not matter, but it does.

I’ll be honest here.  It super sucks, SUPER DUPER sucks, when you feel like you’ve I thrown your heart into something (especially something creative- it’s all so subjective!), that you love and are proud of, and then share it and nothing happens.

It’s horrible! Urgh. I mean… argh! It’s like tripping and falling down in front of a large group of people, in a way. It’s cringe-worthy. I mean, on one hand, the act of creating should be enough (blah blah blah). But on the other… it’s just hard when you send a little piece of yourself out there  and it doesn’t resonate with anyone else. It’s a little heartbreaking. And then you start thinking, “what the heck is in there that OFFENDS people that I’m not seeing? What is it that turns people away? Should I do this again?” Silence becomes rejection, a chance to beat yourself up.

This is hard to admit. I don’t like this, at all, that there’s some part of me that feels like this. This feels very vulnerable and cheesy to write about and I worry about people rolling their eyes. But it feels good to get it out there and come to terms with it. This is all the truth.

It all comes back to my struggle with the issues of what it means to be productive. Issues I have with being “enough”. One good thing I’ve learned from these past few months, over and over, is that I am not yet able to value my own creative work. And that’s something I want to work on. Enjoying the creative process for the act of creating. Not waiting for some outside validation that what I spent time and energy on was “worth it” and okay and enough.

Blargh. I know this sounds a little flakey, but, like I said, it feels good to be honest.

So what now? I think it’s time for me to practice focusing on individual works of art and just knowing that I might get disappointed by the reaction (or lack thereof) and allow myself to feel crummy about it and then just keep going onto the next thing. Know that there’s likely a lot of disappointment in store with this creative thing and go ahead with it anyway.

I also will admit to feeling a little sad about the strange evolution of online community and blogs and all that. It’s like these days you have two choices: blog for yourself or blog for the community.  If you blog for yourself, you basically publish into the void and maybe someone will stumble upon you via a random google search or an occasional link on another’s site.

If you blog for community, you have to be conscious of publishing often enough not to lose readers. You have to conscious of including enough variety on your site. But you can’t post *too* often or write *too* much because it drives people away. You have to socialize and market, you have to get yourself out there.

I think that’s amazing for professionals and companies and businesses but something as personal as a creative blog shouldn’t have to be something we need to take classes or seminars in, or learn how to “market”, or hope and pray some well-loved blogger finds and makes note of so others might come and check it out, too. But that’s the way it is. And I totally understand it because this is what I do, even though I constantly tell myself I don’t do it. 

I think I might need to examine the whole idea of keeping an online journal/blog for myself again.

When I started my online journal in 1997, the internet was like a ghost town. There were no comment forms, no lists of links, nothing like Pinterest or Facebook. I wrote a diary online because I desperately needed an outlet- I was just starting graduate school in a field that I hadn’t planned on pursuing at any point in my life, but there I was. I had to talk about it, so I turned to my little space on the web that my school provided me with.

Because there wasn’t any sort of way of figuring out who or how many people were looking at my site, it was purely for me. But people found my site through searches or friends-of-friends, and they connected with me. Authentically, truly. And, to be honest, I’m STILL friends with a lot of those people.

When I felt comfortable sharing what I was writing, there were Webrings (remember those?) for similar website (and this is before people starting getting the idea of “apply and maybe you will be accepted” webrings, which was the beginning of the end of webrings…) You jumped from website to website and if you found something you liked, you reached out to the person and introduced yourself, you shared it with people. Real connections were formed. The internet was small enough that you could find something instead of too many things (does that make sense?) The graphics and HTML was ALL crummy, so basically the content of a site was the only thing that mattered.

I guess I’ll always mourn that a little bit. I miss the connections, and making true friendships. I really miss the opportunity to just be part of the community simply because you were all doing similar things and sharing them online (making art, writing stories, keeping journals- whatever). If you found another painter who worked in your medium, then you were both part of the community. It wasn’t measured by some constantly changing and invisible yard stick based on how snappy your blog looked or if you were using the latest supplies in your work or what design teams you were on.

Gah. Okay, this got long (which is ironic because in 1997 terms, this would be considered a VERY short entry in an online journal! They were all so epic- I miss that, too…)

But I think by writing this I reconnected with the goal I made at the beginning of this year: enjoy it. Find the joy in things. And that includes creativity and blogging and online connections. It scares me, to think about just “blogging” into the void, posting when I feel like, maybe writing long and person posts no one will take the time to read, sharing art and having it not land anywhere. But I don’t know… like I’ve said before, I am not looking to launch some superstar design career or anything.

I just want to make art and write, have it mean something to me
… and if I am very very lucky, have it mean something to someone else, too. 

(If you did read stick around to real all this, wow- thank you. From the bottom of my heart.)

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.”
- Plato

“We are never more fully alive, more completely ourselves, or more deeply engrossed in anything, than when we are at play.”
- Charles Schaefer

After spending a lot of time observing Gracie and the way that she just comes in here (art studio), sits down at her desk, and just CREATES whatever she feels like, I decided I wanted to follow her lead.

I tried for a few weeks to just HAVE FUN and it didn’t work. I kept feeling like I was neglecting “real” things or finding myself falling into the whole “this is horrible, what am I doing?” trap.

I finally realized that in order to let myself just *play* and have some fun, I had to make it an actual commitment, something like swimming or writing blog posts or other regularly-scheduled things in my life.

So I’m giving myself a challenge. On Tuesdays, I usually post something over on Bliss Habits. For the next few months, I’m going to use the time that I would spend thinking/writing those posts on PLAY. I’m not sure what that entails quite yet, but my goal is to actually have a scheduled block of time every week in which my goal is to explore fun and on-a-whim creativity and play and see how it all goes together.

Every Tuesday, starting at the end of April, I’m going to post my “stuff” over there, whether it be a fingerpainting or photos from an adventure or a silly haiku or a peek at a larger project I’m working on (I’m envisioning a shoebox with puff balls and pipe cleaners, even…) purely for the sake of having a little fun and playing.

It’s kinda like a little version of “show and tell”, and it’ll be once a week.

If you want to play along with me (first “show and tell” is April 30th, 2013), I’d LOVE to have you. Love love love. Details are over here.

Regardless of what happens or if anyone joins, I’m committed to figuring this “what can’t I let go and have fun?” thing out.

“Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world.” – Pema Chodron

What’s good:

- The dental appointment I had last week wasn’t great, but realizing once again that I’m now an adult and can make choices about my health care was good.

- Date afternoon with Tom on Sunday- we saw “Admission”, got some Frappuccino’s at Starbucks (love their chocolate-chocolate chip one), ran a few errands. I love Tina Fey, love Paul Rudd, love my husband. Good day.

- Beautiful weather. It’s been in the high 60′s/low 70′s here for a few days, which is quite cool for us, but perfect spring weather. Even though I live in Florida, I grew up in NY and I do miss the beautiful seasonal weather.

- Still loving the longer days, and spending more time out back every afternoon as a result. I love the flexibility it gives my afternoon/evening schedule. I also love that my art studio doesn’t look like a dark cave at 3pm anymore.

- Phlox smell so good. I had no idea when I planted them that they would be fragrant, but they always surprise me with their sweet smell.

- My garden is showing lots of signs of new growth. This year I have a lot of established plants, so I haven’t been planting as many seeds as in the years past. Some of my plants went through a bit of a funk this winter, and a couple of showing signs of bouncing back with little tiny green spots all over their stems and branches. I love it.

- Gracie brought me home a tiny rose bush last week- she spotted it at the grocery store and remembered how badly I wanted another rose plant and had Tom get it for me. It was SO sweet.

- Gracie and I bonding over different things as we get older. For a long time our major bond was art (it still is) but now we spend a lot of time talking about people and ideas and all sorts of things. I love it.

- Crochet. Just started a blanket for my dad. I know I list this constantly but it really is very soothing and something I love to do.

- My family. I’ve been in a cranky funk this week and Tom’s been very good about it. I *really* like Tom. I know that’s an odd thing to say about a husband, but in addition to loving him and being in love, I also really really like him. I like my family in addition to loving them. I like being with them and I like who they are and I like who I am with them.

- The pets. (Yes, talking about my cats AGAIN). With all three cats and Winnie the parrot, there are a lot of different personalities and things going on, but they are a major part of my day-to-day happiness because they are so present and so generous with love and honest affection. What can I say? I love my animals and feel truly privileged to be able to share a day-to-day existence with them.

- Space to be myself. I’m over-sensitive and emotional when it comes to other people sometimes. But if I take the time to really look into it and figure out what’s causing the pain when something hurts me a little bit, I find that it’s usually related to how I see myself. That I can work on.  ( <— I know that sounds oddly cryptic, and I don’t mean it that way…. just trying to say that I’m slowly learning how to give myself permission to not worry too much about what other people think of me or my art or my life…)

- Girl Scout cookies. It’s nice to finally have a Girl Scout to get a steady supply of cookies from (thin mints!)

- Gracie’s new dancing class (hip hop). She wanted to take dancing for a long time, but when we would go to sign her up,  she would refuse because she really DOES NOT want to do recitals or dance in parades/performances and that’s what her friends tell her about dancing. She finally said she would go to class if she didn’t have to perform- she just wants to learn for fun. That’s perfectly fine with us.

- Eagerly awaiting the new Elizabeth Berg book.

- Allowing myself to re-evaluate what I’m truly interested in and follow it to see where it leads. Finding the courage to go back to doing things for me and trying not to worry too much about the results.

What’s good for you right now??

Common Miracles is a project I started in May, 2011 to examine and discover how gratitude works in everyday life. To find out more about Common Miracles please visit the very first post about this project, located here.

I’m in my studio finishing up some prints (Gelli plate and watercolors, plus an Artist Cellar stencil) and I thought I’d post a few quick iPhone photos before I finish up for the evening:

I’ll post more detailed photos in a few days, after they dry and I can get some decent shots during the daytime.

Hope you are having a great weekend!

Gracie had spring break last week and for some reason that culminated in a LOT of art journaling. Here are all the pages I finished, and there are several more in progress:

Ironically, these pages are really about a typical afternoon around here, and it wound up being almost all cat pictures. But in general, when the cats congregate inside and start their naps, it’s a general sign that it’s afternoon.

The succulent photo is from a magazine, and the quote is from a Paul Simon song that keeps coming up- it also captures how I feel about spring, especially in the garden.

Two butterflies on a print I made last week…

… and some journaling on the back of it.

A page about an afternoon I spent outside- it had finally warmed up and the weather was nice (after a few days of weird cold foggy weather) so we were all basking in the sunshine, especially Delilah.

These are bits of things I had on my desk- postage labels, receipts, bits of pacakging, a cool photo of jellyfish from a magazine, a label from a sketchbook I was sent for review (which is pretty amazing, more on that when I get a chance to really use it), etc.

I included a “Happy Spring” card from a dear friend.

I’m on this “what’s good?” kick right now and I find that it really shifts my mood, so I’m going to try and do these pages pretty frequently.

A page about the scarf I made Gracie and how it turned into a full blown passion for not only crocheting scarves, but for thinner yarns.

Finally, a simple page with a photo of the sunset, some washi tape, veneer stars, and a quote from Martha Beck that really resonated with me at the moment I read it:

“Today, if you’re confronting an issue for the ten thousandth time, or feeling that your life is going nowhere, or panicking over how little you’ve achieved, stop and breathe. You’re not falling behind on some linear race through time. You’re walking the labyrinth of life. Yes, you’re meant to move forward, but almost never in a straight line. Yes, there’s an element of achievement, of beginning and ending, but those are minor compared to the element of being here now. In the moments you stop trying to conquer the labyrinth of life and simply inhabit it, you’ll realize it was designed to hold you safe as you explore what feels dangerous. You’ll see that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be, meandering along a crooked path that is meant to lead you not onward, but inward.”
- Martha Beck

I didn’t insert it into the binder because there is a page in progress on the flip side, so as soon as that’s done, I’ll punch some holes in it and add it.

Focusing on only art journaling all week felt good, to be honest… it was a nice shift from painting and print making.  Sometimes cutting up paper and moving it around is the exact right way to spend some time.

Gracie’s also journaling a lot as well, so I think we just both kept coming in here for little bits of time and sitting at our desks and working in our journals. I had a lot of time to go through my iPhone photos and print up some of the ones that told little stories from the last week or two, so I tried to get them down while I remembered them.

I gotta admit, it feels good to just focus on one specific creative thing for a few days. I try *not* to do that too often because if I don’t force myself to shift gears, I either totally drop something I really love (like painting for making beads) or I get frustrated and burned out super-easily. So I have to kinda force myself to step back and switch focus every so often. But this week was a little different- I just sort of journaled for myself and after getting into the groove, it started feeling really great. I didn’t feel the need to switch it up, so I didn’t.

Now, though, I’m getting the urge to do some mixed media collage-y paintings, a la Mindy Lacefield. (Big huge thanks to another amazing artist – Stephanie – for introducing me to Mindy’s work!) I think I am going to sign up for a class with her. I generally don’t do too many classes online because I flake out on them- I get too obsessed with doing EVERYTHING, watching EVERYTHING, taking detailed notes on EVERYTHING and I ruin it for myself. But I feel the need to sort of learn and grow and explore some things and I think a class might be a good way to do that. I just have to remind myself I’m not being graded.

Do you have any recommendations for good online classes/workshops in mixed media? I’d love to hear them.

Thanks, as always, for looking.

[en]JOY : week eleven

What is this? My one little word for 2013 is “enjoy”. Because I *really* want to keep the concept of “enjoy” front-and-center, I decided to keep weekly “notes” about the process. Some weeks there will be a lot, some weeks there won’t be much- the ebbs and flows of life. But knowing that I will sit down once a week and record my progress is a good motivation to keep working at it.

In the last week:

I’m still working my way through Will Bowen’s book “Happy This Year” but before I talk about that, I wanted to mention something *genius* that Tracy wrote in a comment over at Bliss Habits - she said she was spending time focusing on the “quality of days”.

For some reason, the phrase “quality of days” was just a total “a-ha!” for me. I’ve *never* considered approaching time that way- looking at the sum total enjoyment of a whole day and choosing ways to spend time and energy based on that instead of measuring it moment by moment, task by task.

I was so inspired that I tried it immediately after reading Tracy’s comment, and I found it makes a BIG difference. Instead of asking myself “what should I be doing now? what needs to get done? what would be a useful way to spend time?”, I asked “what is my day *missing*? What could I do right now that would make my day feel fuller and make me a little more happy?”

It was kind of like filling the blanks as I went. And by doing that, I realized that the things I automatically gravitate to (to-do list kinda stuff) aren’t always the most fulfilling, enjoyable, or even useful.

For instance, on Tuesday afternoon I was helping Gracie clean-up her side of our art studio. When we built this house, I had the little room off the living room made into an art studio, with big windows and built-in and a sink. When Gracie started showing an interest in art, I split the space and half of the room and shelves and bins became filled with her own supplies and projects.

Since the space in here is limited, I have learned to that usually when I bring something in, something has to go out. But Gracie has a lot more coming “in” (coloring pages from school, ephemera from life, toys that migrate their way in here, half-finished projects that end up in piles under her desk, and – her newest obsession – empty small packing boxes that come in the mail) and a lot less going “out”. So every so often I ask her go through her stuff and clean off her table.

As I helped her, I kept feeling like I should figure out a way to take care of some paperwork at the same time . But then I remembered Tracy’s “quality of days” philosophy, and I realized that at the end of the day, I would probably be a lot more relaxed and happy if I just focused on Gracie and took care of everything else at another time. So, we dove in together and we had the big clean-up done in about twenty minutes, and then we both sat down, side by side, and she worked on her art journal and I did work until we had to leave for a volunteer shift at the cat shelter.

It was absolutely a good way to spend the afternoon. Lesson learned.

On to the Will Bowen book:

a few choices quotes that struck me this week:

“Happiness is a conscious choice. It is a way of describing yourself, and when you begin to describe yourself as happy, you will to begin to find supporting evidence for your being happy.”

“Be careful not to say ‘I want to be happy.’ When you say ‘I want to be happy,’ you are affirming that you are not happy. Stating that you want happiness means you are admitting that you don’t have happiness and, because happiness is a mental evaluation, you drive it further away from you.”

I get this and I *sorta* believe it, but I think it’s more complex than that. However, I have been doing the “what’s good?” thing (instead of asking “what’s up?” I ask myself “what’s good right now?”) and that totally shifts my perspective EVERY TIME. So I need to put that into practice a bit more.

“Chaos is actually necessary for human growth and development. Both Hinduism and Greek mythology share the belief that chaos preceded all other manifestations of creation.”

“To become a happier person, realize that what you find upsetting might actually be something within yourself that needs to be brought up, addressed, and healed. Your greatest torments are your mentors.”

This I understand. It’s definitely not easy to do, but I understand it.

Today someone “un friended” me on Facebook. It shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. Instead of seeing it as an opportunity to explore WHY it bothered me (blah blah blah) I got upset and hurt.

After stepping back (and eating lunch and having a good cup of tea) I realized that the loss of connection wasn’t what bothered me at all.  I never really had a connection with the person, save a few minor exchanges. What bothered me was that I felt my whole “am I good enough?” insecurity rise to the surface.

I took the loss of connection as a message that I wasn’t good enough to be part of her life, and since she is an artist, too, it felt like a “your work isn’t good enough to grace my screen” kinda thing. It made me question everything. Which seems silly in retrospect, but I openly admit to being super-sensitive and I will openly admit that these things do hurt me, even if the hurt fades and I later look back on it as being silly.

Anyway, the whole experience served as a reminder that I need to continue to work through this whole “Am I doing enough? Am I good enough?” issue.

“People tend to have a false belief that they would like to never face another challenge, , and yet much of our happiness comes in facing and overcoming challenges… [having] a high degree of enthusiasm mixed with an equal measure of uncertainty… excited, engaged, and eager… It is the act of striving for something that makes us happy, because we are engaged and discovering more of what lies within us.”

This is the message I got when I read “Happiness Project”. I came out of reading that book with a fixation on “growth”. I always feel infinitely better when I’m working on something ongoing, when I can see my progress but I still have more to do. When there is a path to follow, or at least an *idea* of a path I might take, I feel alive and engaged and “plugged in”, if that makes any sense.

“Your soul’s desire is to grow, and so it presents you with opportunities – yes, opportunities called challenges – so you can overcome them. As you face them… you become stronger. You then go on to new and greater challenges. Facing the same issue over and over would be no more challenging than playing a previous level on a video game.”

So true, yet so easy to forget. I always get so frustrated when I do something and it’s not as good as I hope it will be. I need to remember that everything requires a learning curve- EVERYTHING. And that I need to honor that learning curve, maybe even learn to embrace it.

“Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world.” – Pema Chodron

Lactobacillus acidophilus and L. casei (probiotics)

Two things sort of inspired this post: the antibiotics I was on a few weeks ago, and the dentist appointment I have today.

When I was a freshman in college, I lived in the college dorms, and as you can imagine, the communal bathrooms were not the cleanest. On the week before Thanksgiving, I caught a super-vicious infection from the shower in the dorm- I had a blister on my toe and the bacteria traveled into the bone almost instantly. Twenty four hours later, I was withdrawn from school and in the hospital with a bone infection in my foot.

In the days after the infection was diagnosed, a number of infectious disease doctors from Atlanta came to review my case and almost all of them recommended that I amputate not only the infected bone, but the bone surrounding it. Just in case. However, my own foot doctor was telling me NOT to do it- he saw my foot a day before I got the infection, and from looking at the x-rays, he could tell the surrounding bone was healthy. Plus, I was 18, and losing part of my foot scared the hell out of me.

Finally, one surgeon came in and told me that if I followed his directions EXACTLY for the next several months, he could just get rid of the segment of bone that was affected and save the rest. I was totally on board, whatever it meant.

So, he operated right after our conversation, got rid of the infected bone (which WAS smller than the infectious disease crews assumed), and then a week later sent me back home to NY where I spent three months in bed (with a break of 15 minutes a day to take a quick bath and brush my teeth, etc.), with a steady course of IV antibiotics pumping into a port implanted just near my heart.

Every two hours, I’d attach a new IV balloon into the IV line. The IV-thingees were actually pretty cool- kind of like these clear plastic capsules with a balloon of drugs inside. The balloon deflated as the drugs went into my system. I just had to stay aware because once the drug was dispensed, it could start sucking blood back OUT of the port. So I spent a lot of hours watching those little capsules, pondering their power. I had always taken antibiotics for granted. But not anymore.

Seven months later, my foot was in great shape despite the bone I lost to the infection, and I was in OVERALL great health. The infection was completely gone. In fact, the doctor who saved my foot went ahead and totally reconstructed it using bone that they extracted from my hip. For the first time in life, I was told I was HEALTHY. ENCOURAGED to be active. I should be careful, of course, but after nineteen years of being defined by Spina Bifida and all the stuff that went along with it, I was actually given the green light to embrace life on my own terms. It was tremendous for me.

Before I returned to college in August, I went to all my regular doctors for quick annual checks- my eyes were fine, my heart was fine, my general health was great, etc. Then I went to my dentist for a quick cleaning and checkup before I went back to college.

Imagine my surprise when my dentist announced I had THIRTY SIX cavities. 36.

I was not a happy camper, to say the least. I didn’t have a history of dental disease- my last checkup about a year earlier had been fine and I previously had maybe ONE cavity in my life.

What happened in those twelve months to make my teeth go haywire?

Ahh yes, the antibiotics. It was determined that the same IV drugs that killed the vicious infection in my bone also killed all the GOOD bacteria in my body, including that in my mouth. So my teeth took the hit. Luckily, they were all just shallow cavities in my back teeth, so getting them filled wasn’t as bad as it could have been if I hadn’t caught them all so quickly.

Why am I talking about all this? Even though I’ve taken the mother of all antibiotics, I still get a little worn out whenever I’m put on even the most common antibiotic for something small. It’s because in addition to killing the bad bacteria, it’s also battling the good bacteria that keeps me feeling physically okay. I’m taking probiotics (and eating yogurt) to balance it out.

And it reminded me of a basic premise of life that I constantly forget – living life in a good way isn’t just about *eliminating* and avoiding the negative, it’s also about maintaining the positive. BOTH are necessary for life.

Meaning, I can spend all my time and energy focusing on getting rid of the negative stuff that life hands out, but unless I also work on maintaining a steady level of *positive* aspects of life, the system is not going to work.

I think we all spend a tremendous amount of time focusing and trying to push out the negative- how to decrease it, how to not let it overwhelm us, etc. But how much time do we spend working on the positive, figuring out how to maintain it, being really active and engaged in INCREASING it?

And how often do we feel okay about that search for the positive, instead of feeling like we are indulging some selfish, hedonistic lifestyle?! I mean, everything in nature points to the necessity of the positives in life. You can’t grow a healthy plant without sunshine and water and good soil, and the more positive things you add to the equation, the better the plant does. It’s the same with humans- just because we can reason and think doesn’t mean it’s indulgent to deprive ourselves of things that make us healthy, happy, help us to grow.

So while I’m not exactly super-stoked about having to go the dentist, even for just a cleaning (I’m always a little nervous about it), I am grateful for the reminder that life requires the positive.

Common Miracles is a project I started in May, 2011 to examine and discover how gratitude works in everyday life. To find out more about Common Miracles please visit the very first post about this project, located here.